It is the year 2015. In response to the growing number of illegal things, the World Government has outlawed the concept of ownership. Only items licensed to a citizen may be placed in the state-appointed home. Anything else is contraband and will be removed and burnt, resulting in harsh punishment for offenders. Robot “Inventory Sentries” are in constant rotation through the streets, automatically triggering the opening of blinds and turning on of lights to better facilitate the rule of law. Through this modern regime humanity has freed itself of such needless traits such as envy or lust. You may have what you are allocated, and nothing more. Through hard work and servility you may be trusted with more fanciful goods, or even a pet. Only total obedience will earn a chance to be considered for the reproductive program.
And yet despite the world peace and hunger eradication we have fostered, there is an element intent on disruption. A band of ragtag miscreants who would destroy our perfect society if they had their way. Their hair is of an unsatisfactory length. Their music is of an unsatisfactory volume. They insist on using outdated, polluting methods of transport. They even eat meat, for Dawkins’ sake. They live far below us, in dark underground spaces in cities that have been long forgotten since the Great Cleanse. They drift between the lines in the food stations. They evade our Inventory Sentries. They graffiti our noble Standards Office walls with their vile slogans of “Freedom” and “Choice”. They have pets. They have unlicensed intercourse. Sometimes with the pets. They are savages.
So a new strategy is needed to locate, observe and obliterate these vermin once and for all. And so, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you Security Project 1: Deep Earth Robot. Or SP1DER. Our highest level scientists have used all their allocated resources to construct this army of tiny multi-legged metallic search and destroy automatons. Using modern heat-vision and ultra-hearing they can detect bands of rebels hidden deep underground. Without needing to report back to base, they can then find their own way to them through cracks in floorboards or down drainage tunnels. Once in place the army of SP1DERS can surround the enemy cabal and launch a co-ordinated attack with both the lazer-eye and acid-teeth technologies we have advanced for this project. I think you will agree this is amazing work, and to help you get a better understanding of exactly how amazing, I’ve brought along one of the prototypes here with me today. But it’s not in my pocket, or my briefcase. Ladies and gentlemen, it has been observing this whole meeting this morning from the corner of the office. No, not that corner, THAT corner. No, there’s no need to be worried, please remain seated. The only functions we have enabled are movement and reconnaisance. We placed it on the ground floor around an hour ago, with instructions to find this meeting and oberve. And there it is, watching everything we’ve done. If we were the unwashed swine in their lower tunnels it’d be preparing a strategy for attack. I think we should all now stand and give a round of applause for the inventor of this, our new weapon to strike at the heart of those who would impose the tyranny of freedom. Here he is, come in Dr. Arachnos.
Dr Arachnos, I thought you’d be taller. Where’s your white coat? And were you really allocated that haircut? Why, you’re not Dr Arachnos at all. You’re, you’re one of THEM! What are those things crawling out of your pocket? No, you can’t have? How could you have reprogrammed them all? Please, no, we’ll give you anything, just don’t let them. No. No. ARGGHHHH.
Scaryness: 4. There’s a fine line between cheesyness and classic, and this one is slightly over to the side of the former. But look beyond that and there’s still a large amount of enjoyment you can get from it, if you’re in the right mood.