Archives for the day of: September 1, 2012

Kitchen

WHAT THE LIVING FUCK!!!!!????!!!

SERIOUSLY

WHAT THE FUCK?

THIS IS BRITAIN, NOT SOME EXOTIC AMAZONIAN RAINFOREST. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS. I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

Ok. Enough shouty ranty capitals. Most of that photo has scrolled up and out of my vision.

Kitchen.

Tonight. I’d had the idea of this blog for a few days. Then I went to get a glass of water. And this appears, roughly shoulder-height, on the kitchen wall.

My camera isn’t the best, though it’s not terrible. But I can’t do brilliant close-up shots. Which means that this thing has to be HUGE for me to get the detail on it that you can see in this photo. Even using a slightly zoomed lense to get better detail, I still had to hold my hand pretty damn close to it to get the picture. Only my attempts at being a detatched photographer kept me from freaking out.

Only my attempts at being a wussy liberal kept me from killing that thing dead the instant I saw it. That’s not true. I also wouldn’t know how to dispose of the body. I’d have to get a couple of bin bags, put them in my boot and escort them to a field burial in the dark of the night.

The thought that it’s still somewhere within this house makes me squirm. And tuck my shirt back into my jeans, just in case something were to crawl up the sofa.

Scaryness: 8/10. It’s not actually a tarantula. It didn’t jump on my face. These are not great comforts. Somehow I’m supposed to sleep tonight.

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Plant

An immigrant, like myself, new to this foreign land with it’s strange and scary indiginous population.

Three weeks after moving in I decided my room needed a greener hue. A nice leafy plant in the corner arrived shortly, with this petite passenger as an unexpected stowaway.

Too small to worry too much about, I thought, as I shined the waxy leaves, careful to not wreck the web too much.

Two weeks later it remains, keeping a low profile, trying to not upset the neighbours.

 

Scaryness: 2/10. Too small to be terrifying. Likes green plants. Doesn’t wander. I almost like it.

Stairway 1

I have in my hand a piece of paper.

I don’t, but this is the medium-large co-signee of a deal conceived and written entirely in my mind. You stay up there, I’ll stay down here, and we won’t bother each other too much.

So far this particular individual has stayed way above my stairway. Even if I wanted to crush it, I couldn’t. I have nothing long enough to poke up that high. Hence the mold/rot in the corner of the wall there.

Scaryness rating: 4. Would be higher if it decided to come down and lurk at head height.

 

 

The shower.

 

One of the first to show itself. This mid-sized atrocity scuttled behind the shower curtain as I turned the shower on. It went high, I had nothing to hand to swat it with. It survived.

In the corner behind the shower curtain it stayed, where it’s now formed its home. It doesn’t stray. It knows what’s good for it.

Scare factor: 4/10