Archives for the month of: May, 2013

hoover dodger

You don’t know, man, you weren’t even there.

This spider was. In the kitchen, halfway up the wall, around head height. I know this looks like the other huge kitchen spider from a while back, but its actually slightly smaller. Which means somehow I got the camera even closer to pick out the details on it. It also means that there’s more than one of these bastards in the house.

For the last few days this skittering shitfit has been testing out the best spot on the wall to get a view out the window. It wasn’t thinking about the cupboard door which would’ve crushed its tiny skull if I’d opened it fully. Or maybe it knew exactly what it was doing, as spiders don’t have skulls. Or bones. Or toenails. Or television licenses, the freeloading scum.

So this scheming brainiac found itself halfway up my kitchen wall, knowing exactly what my plans were for this weekend. Yes, its the annual outing of the hoover. Other brands of vacuum cleaner are available. In fact mine is a Tesco’s own cheapo bagless cylinder jobby, so I’m not sure why I called it a hoover. Just brand habit I guess, like saying Sellotape for stickybacked plastic or Cleano’s Arsewipes for toilet paper.

Vacuum day is annoying for all. For me, I have to dig it out of the dark horrible cupboard I stick all my useless junk, drag it round the place and spend the rest of the day sneezing and wheezing. My neighbours get the fun of an afternoon listening to the horrendous loud whining. Then once I’ve actually got the box out of the cupboard they have to listen to the cylinder spinning up an earpiercing scream as I move it from plug socket to plug socket. But worst of all, the spiders have to run for their lives as the plastic tube of death comes for them.

Writing this blog has made me slightly more sympathetic to the plight of my arachnid neighbours, so I no longer dance with glee as I suck the webs from every dark corner. However, I must admit that many may have been lost during the Spinnenacht of 2013. I apologise. But, of course, the spider above was not one of these. It saw what was happening and got out early. Get halfway up a wall, well away from the webs of the lower dwellers. Get into the kitchen, far enough from the stairs for the extension cord to snap back as the hoover gets close to the door.

Scaryness: 7. This spider has stared into the abyss unblinking, then jabbed the abyss in the eye and laughed as the abyss ran off crying.




Have you seen this season’s fashions dahhhling? They’re so outrageous, so out there, so now. Stripes are out. Colour blocking is so last year. This year it’s all about cute brown circular patterns. So if that’s what you’re wearing, don’t hide yourself in a corner, show it off!

Some spiders are so hip and happening that they’ll hide away for years just because their markings are unfashionable. Have you seen the Camouflage spider recently? No? Exactly. As for the Global Hypercolour spider, that’s not dared be seen since the early 90’s. It came out once in august 2007, but when everyone laughed at its outdated fashion its face turned red with embarrasment and it slunk back into a hiding place till it returned to its normal yellowy-blue colour. Let us not discuss the poor Shell Suit spider. (highly flammable).

This model above however is so proud of its on-trend motifs that its rushed out of the gaps in the woodwork and placed itself out and proud against the white painted beam which props up the roof. This is just above head height, and pretty much the first thing I see when I walk in the living room. It might as well be going *Ta DAAAA* and giving it some jazz hands everytime I walk in.

Scaryness: 2. How can you be scared by someone so fashion conscious? Think of the famous fashionable people for a minute: how scary are they? Michelle Obama? Nope. David Beckham? Nope. Kate Moss? Nope. Fred Astaire? Nope. Grace Jones? Nop… Oh ok, bad example, but generally they’re not scary.


That cushion’s too big, isn’t it? Or is it too small? Or the wrong shape. Just throw it over there and get it out the way.

That’s better.

No. Now my back hurts a bit. Get that cushion back here again.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try you just can’t get comfortable. This spider knows how you feel. It started off with a nice patch of wall by the front door. Plenty of sunshine, good supply of flies and room to hang a number of webs. But the cold drafts were too much, so time for a move.

Next, upstairs to the bathroom wall. Another nice large expanse of web potential here. Also a bit warmer, so a much better place to hang around and clip your toenails. But no, perhaps the humidity of the daily shower got too much and yet again the bags were packed and the maps got out for another trip.

Finally, somewhere quite nice. A warm room with normal humidity and not many drafts. Quite a large wall, although sharing with a couple of friendly neighbours. Maybe this will be the place. One problem, it’s in my bedroom, and you’ve decided to live only a couple of feet from my head. I’m sure you’re lovely and everything, but I’ve called the council and they’re getting you evicted. Sorry.

Scaryness: 7. One of these horrid looking things with a fat body and stubby little legs. I could tolerate it from a distance, but when you wake up facing something which looks like this, you know something’s gone wrong with your life.

curtains for you


Don’t you hate that feeling when you wake up and you’re not quite sure what the time is? Do I need to get out of bed yet, or can I roll over and just close my eyes for a couple more minutes? What day is it again? Do I need to go to work?

Oh, it’s May. I suppose I’d better get up then.

Spiders everywhere have been rolling their multiple eyes and struggling out of their bedsocks over the last few weeks. As they brush their teeth they’re trying to recall a dream they had in February which is now lurking just beyond the event horizon of their memory. Which outfit did they wear to the office last time? Can’t be seen to be wearing the same look two years in a row.

So, off to work. Work being lurking around in corners and crevices and generally being a bit annoying. Take this ‘ere ‘orror for ‘xample. Still busy wiping the sleep from its eyes, it thinks its found the perfect spot for a quick snooze. But fuzzy morning head forgot that section of bathroom curtain is exactly where I put my hand when I open it each day. If I’d not been quite so unusually alert I’d have a squish mark on there now, and I’d probably still be stood at the sink trying to wash the skin off my fingers.

Scaryness: 6. It’s not huge or hairy or too freaky looking, but its there. Hiding dozily in the folds of my curtains, just trying to stay awake till Lunchtime.