What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart? His aorta, of course. But the quickest way into his bed? How about across the ceiling then down the wall. That’s what this pesky little pervantula was attempting. Don’t you understand? No means No!

I’ve been attempting a decent life of symbiosis with my spidery pals over the last few weeks. They go about their business, I go about mine, and we generally try to leave each other alone. But I’m afraid I cannot have this brazen attack on my inner sanctum. This spider, as pretty as it is, was not wanted in my boudoir, so I did as anyone does with an unwanted caller in the night: I scooped it up and threw it out the window. They’re light, so can survive the fall, right? I think that’s how it works.

Scaryness: 7. It’s small, and the colours and patterns are actually quite interesting, but it’s location and intention right next to my bed are more than worrying. Let’s face it, ladies, as hot as you may think Robin Williams is, if you were to wake up and find him clung to your bedroom wall, his furry face looking down at you in the night, I think you’d be pretty darn scared too.