So, finally Mr Spider, we have you on camera.
This beastie, hiding in the dark, is one of the first horrors that I saw after moving in here. I’ve seen it most days since I’ve been here, but as it lives outside my kitchen window and only comes out to play after the sun has gone down it’s been a tad tricky to get a decent photo. Must be shy.
Scaryness: 6. If you squint, this one looks a bit like a skull. Which is worrying. And the huge bod also has quite an eek factor, but it’s home is on the other side of my kitchen window, and I don’t have to see it during the daylight hours, so that helps bring the rating down a bit. If it moves inside for the winter, I may have to move out.
Hmm, I’m hungry, and I also want to listen to Nihal talking to Bhangra legend Jags Klimax on BBC Radio 1Xtra. I think I’ll just chop myself up some chives and turn the radio on… SWEET JESUS JOSEPH MARY AND HAILE SELASSIE!!!
Those chives are going to have to wait, because this freak of nature has just wandered onto the chopping board. As you can see, it still has 8 legs, but if it’s going to continue to trespass in the land of the sharpened blade, that might not be the way for much longer.
I’m actually quite surprised to see the pattern on it’s thorax. abdoman. arse-bone. Whatever that back bit is called. When I first saw it and asked for a pose for the camera I hadn’t noticed that at all. Only now I’ve got the photo uploaded is it obvious that it’s the same sort as that other huge one I had in the kitchen. In case you’re wondering, this definitely isn’t the same one. This one is smaller. Even with it’s legs hunched up as opposed to stretched out, I could tell that it was smaller. It’s front bit, it’s fizzog, if you will, was also less evil and bitey looking.
Scaryness rating: 8. Smaller than the previous patterned kitchen-dweller, but it’s proximity to my chives and it’s Bhangra-blocking activities next to my radio make this a much more viable threat to my sanity.
WHAT THE LIVING FUCK!!!!!????!!!
WHAT THE FUCK?
THIS IS BRITAIN, NOT SOME EXOTIC AMAZONIAN RAINFOREST. I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS. I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!
Ok. Enough shouty ranty capitals. Most of that photo has scrolled up and out of my vision.
Tonight. I’d had the idea of this blog for a few days. Then I went to get a glass of water. And this appears, roughly shoulder-height, on the kitchen wall.
My camera isn’t the best, though it’s not terrible. But I can’t do brilliant close-up shots. Which means that this thing has to be HUGE for me to get the detail on it that you can see in this photo. Even using a slightly zoomed lense to get better detail, I still had to hold my hand pretty damn close to it to get the picture. Only my attempts at being a detatched photographer kept me from freaking out.
Only my attempts at being a wussy liberal kept me from killing that thing dead the instant I saw it. That’s not true. I also wouldn’t know how to dispose of the body. I’d have to get a couple of bin bags, put them in my boot and escort them to a field burial in the dark of the night.
The thought that it’s still somewhere within this house makes me squirm. And tuck my shirt back into my jeans, just in case something were to crawl up the sofa.
Scaryness: 8/10. It’s not actually a tarantula. It didn’t jump on my face. These are not great comforts. Somehow I’m supposed to sleep tonight.