It’s been a full week since I last updated here. Not because the spiders have been hiding, but rather it took a while to get this corner of my house looking just shabby enough to appear in a photo. If all you can see are cracks in plaster and a slightly shoddy wooden windowframe, then I invite you to take a second look (as if you were looking at Henry’s cat). What’s that dark shape in the corner? The one which looks a bit like a miniature octopus wrapped in cotton wool. That’s a spider, that is!
It’s not overly warm, or overly cold here, and I suppose that leaves the spiders in a bit of a quandry. Do they go about their usual summery/autumnal ways, making webs, looking for lady-spiders, throwing frisbees in the park? Or should they get ready for winter, fatten up and put on the wooly jumpers? Well, this particular spider has found a middle-ground. For a few weeks now it’s been spinning it’s web up every night, then taking it down again during the day and sleeping in the corner, all wrapped up in it’s own little hammock. This spider used to leave it’s web up all the time during the summer, lurking in it, looking out the window and generally larking around. But now the days are a bit shorter it can’t be arsed half the time, so just goes to sleep. I know how it feels.
Scaryness: 2. It was already quite harmless, but now wrapped up in a little duvet of its own making its even less evil.
Not too long ago someone told me that they quite liked looking at my spiders, but what really caught their attention in my photos was the state of my house. I laughed this off, but secretly I squirmed with shame. I’ve not been living here too long, and all the scuffing and scratching and flakey paintwork really can’t be blamed on me. That’s what I tell myself everytime I take a photo and see the tattyness of the background.
Take this shot, for example. All I could see was the eight-legged shuttlebus in the foreground when I set my camera on the ground. But then when scrolling through the images after moving them to my laptop my eye is drawn to the fluff, the scratches, the scuffs and marks which make this photo look so much scarier.
But, I’m sorry to tell you, its all a fake. All this is pure construction added to the each indoor photo to make my flat look more decrepit, to give it that extra creepy haunted-house feeling. In reality I live in a white marble palace kept spotless at all times by a crack team of dedicated, beautiful ladies and gentlemen with cleaning products, feather dusters and OCD. Every photograph I take looks far too sterile, like they’re stock photos taken in a zoo or science lab. To make them appear like a normal, nay, shabby house I have to put each frame through a filter, using an app called Instagrim. It makes my shiny home look like a shithole. I think you’ll agree that it’s working quite well.
Which brings me to the kitchen. I emptied the bin, moved it out from the corner and watched this fella look up at me, wondering where his roof had gone. With a nice flat surface to put the camera on, I thought I’d go for a profile view.
Scaryness: 5. It’s not too large, but is quite fat. Which makes it a bit scarier. But only a 4, I think. I’ve added an extra scaryness point for the angle my skirting board juts up away from the floor. Who the hell put that in? Have they not heard of a spirit level?