hoover dodger

You don’t know, man, you weren’t even there.

This spider was. In the kitchen, halfway up the wall, around head height. I know this looks like the other huge kitchen spider from a while back, but its actually slightly smaller. Which means somehow I got the camera even closer to pick out the details on it. It also means that there’s more than one of these bastards in the house.

For the last few days this skittering shitfit has been testing out the best spot on the wall to get a view out the window. It wasn’t thinking about the cupboard door which would’ve crushed its tiny skull if I’d opened it fully. Or maybe it knew exactly what it was doing, as spiders don’t have skulls. Or bones. Or toenails. Or television licenses, the freeloading scum.

So this scheming brainiac found itself halfway up my kitchen wall, knowing exactly what my plans were for this weekend. Yes, its the annual outing of the hoover. Other brands of vacuum cleaner are available. In fact mine is a Tesco’s own cheapo bagless cylinder jobby, so I’m not sure why I called it a hoover. Just brand habit I guess, like saying Sellotape for stickybacked plastic or Cleano’s Arsewipes for toilet paper.

Vacuum day is annoying for all. For me, I have to dig it out of the dark horrible cupboard I stick all my useless junk, drag it round the place and spend the rest of the day sneezing and wheezing. My neighbours get the fun of an afternoon listening to the horrendous loud whining. Then once I’ve actually got the box out of the cupboard they have to listen to the cylinder spinning up an earpiercing scream as I move it from plug socket to plug socket. But worst of all, the spiders have to run for their lives as the plastic tube of death comes for them.

Writing this blog has made me slightly more sympathetic to the plight of my arachnid neighbours, so I no longer dance with glee as I suck the webs from every dark corner. However, I must admit that many may have been lost during the Spinnenacht of 2013. I apologise. But, of course, the spider above was not one of these. It saw what was happening and got out early. Get halfway up a wall, well away from the webs of the lower dwellers. Get into the kitchen, far enough from the stairs for the extension cord to snap back as the hoover gets close to the door.

Scaryness: 7. This spider has stared into the abyss unblinking, then jabbed the abyss in the eye and laughed as the abyss ran off crying.