I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the weather’s been a bit warm recently. You know what that means? No, not that the earth is stuck in a downward spiral of rising sea temperatures which is leading to melting sea ice and unpredictable weather patterns causing both unprecedented amounts of devastating floods in some areas while others scorch to a brittle death. Well, maybe that as well, but no, I meant it must be time for SUMMER HOLIDAYS!
Every child knows what that means. Six weeks of no school. Six weeks of playing outside. Six weeks of doing all the things you wish you could do on a boring tuesday or thursday in wet, cold November. November sucks.
But today is July. Wonderful, beautiful, bright potential stretches out in front of us. Let’s run outside right now, right this second and go kick balls around, spin hoops, rattle fences with sticks and chase stray dogs through puddles. Or whatever children born after Victoria’s reign do nowadays for fun.
That was good wasn’t it? Exciting. Energetic. Hot. Too bloody hot. I’m knackered. No Mum, you can’t force me outside. I’m not going out today. My back tyre’s flat. My ball’s lost in a hedge. My friends all have Cholera. Nope. I’m staying in today. And tomorrow. And the rest of the week. And so are my 31 brothers and sisters.
Oh and by the way, we’re BOOOOOOOORED. Entertain us.
Annoying kids cluttering the place up: 2
Stressed Mum having these lot around all the time: 8
Ahh, I remember when the sky used to be pale blue all day, you could go outside without a dozen coats on and be able to sip water from a mountain stream without first needing a pickaxe to break through the foot of ice on top. It was last weekend.
This medium-sized blighter has probably got all eight of his furry gloves on about now, and is warming himself up with the thought of all the little children he’ll scare in the coming weeks as he scuttles across their floors.
Sorry. I thought I saw something.
Anyway, this thing looks quite sinister, with it’s white cross on it’s back, as if on some sort of religious pilgrimage to free all sinners from their souls as it injects them with poisonous venom. A little research tells me it’s actually a normal garden spider, just one with clearer than usual markings on it’s back. I bet all the other garden spiders are jealous.
Scaryness: 7. Only medium-sized, but angular and suspiciously patterned enough to make you think that it belongs in a zoo somewhere, behind double-thick glass and a velvet rope beyond which you MUST NOT CROSS.
So, I managed to get myself out of my hiding place, gaze past the myriad evil beasts in the house and see that there’s sun outside! (This was written when there was actually sun outside).
A-gambolling through the fields and forests, I was, excited and relieved to be free of the tyranny of the arachnid hordes. Then a terrifying sight caught my eye. That familiar white lacey net of death. a web.
They have spiders outside now. Nowhere is safe.
So, I took a few pics, and will be sprinkling a few of these bastards in throughout the next week or so.
Exhibit A is above. A medium-sized little beastie sat in the middle of it’s web. So deceitful is this one, it can’t even bring itself to face me. Only a coward refuses to meet with his accuser. And when you have as many eyes as this thing, that’s quite an achievement. If you look closely you can see it even appears to be drooling. Get yourself a tissue, you horrible thing!
Scaryness: 6. Not huge, but you wouldn’t want to be walking nude in the forest, go between two trees, get caught in it’s web and have it scurrying up and down your naked sun-kissed flesh, it’s legs causing minor tickles of pleasure as they brush every folicle of soft downy hair upon your body.
Or maybe you would, you sick pervert.